Times are hard and money is too tight to mention. If you can still afford a vacation we really want you to come to our small rock. Never mind the scandalous treatment of undocumented workers or the huge hike in water rates because the water company failed to put aside funds for depreciation. None of this will perturb your paradise. You must come here for the exquisite beaches, superb restaurants and friendly people.
Well the beaches are fantastic but maybe best to avoid Mullins Beach because the extensive building works in that area have directly caused severe beach erosion. Restaurants are world class but once you are prepared to pay London prices your digestion will be easier. And the friendly people you might meet on the beach are very friendly if you want to buy shells or get your hair braided. The rest of the population will treat you as if you have had a longstanding quarrel or more likely ignore you.
But these are minor matters. I really, really want you to choose Barbados rather than Bali for the summer or winter hols. Maybe you have been put off because there are questions you have but were too afraid to ask. I have gathered a number of such questions that the Tourist Board have neglected to address and provided answers to the best of my ability. These are authentic, hearsay inquiries. If you have others please drop me line.
1. What part of Jamaica is Barbados?
Barbados is NOT part of Jamaica. Yet. However, on current trends Jamaica will become part of Barbados. If you are in Jamaica and trying to find Barbados take an airline called LIAT and keep heading south. You might get here one day. Your luggage never will.
2. Do the natives speak English?
If this question is from an American then the answer is yes they do speak English so bring a dictionary and phrase book to help you along.
3. Is the hurricane season rainy?
Oh just a little. Best to have a brolly.
4. Are there nudist beaches?
Yes! Yes! Yes! Accra Beach on the south coast. Anytime. It is not compulsory so you might find everyone else in beachwear but do not feel constrained. Text me when you plan to be there.
5. Can I go topless around town?
Yes! Yes! Yes! Let nature’s soothing breezes caress your chest. Again, text me when you plan to be there.
6. What side of the road do they drive on in Barbados?
Difficult this one but suffice it to say it is never the one you expect.
7. How good is the ganga?
This organic herb is occasionally grown in St. Philip. However, Barbados is part of the Caribbean Economic Community and cheap imports from neighbouring St. Vincent are in plentiful supply. Note that free movement of goods is still way ahead of free movement of Vincentians, Guyanese and Jamaicans. (Dear First and Second Born: I didn’t inhale.)
8. I hear there are a lot of Russian escorts - is this true and are they less expensive than in London?
9. Is there a website where female tourists can choose a beach stud for a two-week vacation?
10. How do I say “Good Morning” in Spanish?
11. What if I die on the way to Barbados? Will they fly my body straight back or must it go through immigration first?
Meat and meat-related products may not enter the country without an appropriate permit obtained from the Licensing Authority in The Pine so please obtain one before you die.
12. I met a boy on Accra beach last summer. We fell in love and had the most amazing two weeks together but he has not responded to my letters or emails. His name is Marlon. Can you help me find again?
Normally I would have to ask you to write to Dear Christine in The Nation but Lady Luck is with you my friend. Marlon is still renting beach chairs at the Crane Beach and looking well fit. You still have to pay his hourly rate but for true love it is a small price.
13. Can you buy a decent burger and fries?
Sandy Lane Club House does an excellent burger. It will cost the same as a small Chattel House, but if a fish cutter is not your thing then go for it. The economy needs more people like you.
14. Where does Rihanna live?
100 yards from Chris Brown.