It’s the end of the school year and the kids have brought home excellent report cards. The fact that they seem to know times tables is viewed by The Husband as valid evidence that they will share the Nobel prize for economics. I can never understand parents who hoist their own thwarted ambitions onto their children. Why isn’t he content that our boys are well balanced, happy, healthy and destined for the Nobel in literature? There is just no pleasing some people.
As the summer holidays set in I find myself delving into an alternative dimension of space and time. I blame J.
“J. said that apparently if you don’t wear red panties to the funeral of your late husband they say his spirit will haunt you if/when you have relations with another man.” I announced after dinner.
“Why are you mentioning dead husbands?” asked The (Still Breathing) Husband.
“No reason.” I replied.
He and I practically share a birthday so it is unlikely that my evil twin will kick the bucket anytime soon.
“What if I die before you?” I inquired, sitting up. “Would you wear red boxer shorts for me?”
He sighed. “If I must.”
Then, almost as an afterthought he blurted out,
“If you plan to haunt me otherwise then I will definitely wear them.”
Glad that’s settled. At least I know what to get him for Christmas.
Indeed, following the guidance of local folklore and superstition can solve more than your present-buying dilemmas. If you are feeling really blue, or offset, as we say on this small rock, you might be tempted to hit the Prozac. There is another way. Check out the very alternative, obeah practitioner. She is likely to recommend a cure of holy water in one hand, and an open pair of scissors in the other. Apparently epilepsy and hallucinations also respond well to this Bajan version of Edward Scissorshand.
And if your desperation is for a band of gold on the fourth finger of your left hand, but The Boyfriend has only ever bought you a copper nose ring, then maybe it is time for a little help. The Mighty Sparrow, in his calypso, Melda, accused her of taking his “name to obeah man” and practicing witchcraft in the form of lighting different coloured candles and placing garlic around the house to speed up the walk down the aisle. But the magic was not enough to force his hand. Instead Sparrow advised Melda to use another kind of magic:
Like scrubbing your teeth and bathing regular
Soap and water keeps you fresh and clean.
Even if you are not a mouldy Melda you might still have problems that the best personal hygiene habits cannot fix. Time to find the obeah doctor. For troubled souls outside Bim obeah spells are keeping up with the times and available online at several sites, including www.calastrology.com/obeah.html. Here we use the old fashioned classifieds in either The Nation or Advocate. Many who have not heeded the call of our late brother Bob to emancipate themselves from mental slavery might be tempted by Psychic Matilda’s USP that she is a “European Healer”. True she has “NEVER FAILED” in “twenty-six years of experience”. Damn I hate people like her. I can fail more than twenty-six times in one day.
And if you are feeling a failure, or maybe broken hearted because your man / woman is intimately acquainted with half the village, Psychic Matilda will “guarantee miracles in minutes”. But be careful what you ask for. Matilda’s miracles might actually work and you’ll be back in bed with the same cold, slutty, son-of-a-she dog man / woman you had before. Just a thought.
If the local versus European healer dichotomy does not shackle you, then it would appear that Psychic Astra provides more extensive services. Of course she can do the run-of-the-mill healing, cleansing and guiding. But that is not the half of it. Astra can also supply the following spiritual washes:
- Money Drawing,
- John the Conqueror,
- Uncrossing, and
You can also purchase Van-Van wash, for good luck, which I did on Swan Street in Bridgetown. It smelt rather familiar. Suddenly I realized I had been ingesting Van-Van for years. It’s vervain – reduced to Van-Van from the French Louisiana dialect that named the herb “vaah vahn”. Given the amount of vervain herbal tea I have drunk I should have won the lottery several times by now. That I have yet to actually buy a lottery ticket is beside the point. Maybe a Supercentre blessed herbal tea is not on par with one that has been touched by the likes of Psychic Astra or Psychic Matilda.
But Psychic Astra does advertise a wash that I thought might be useful called Road Opener. My first thought was that this was the answer to easing the stupid amounts of traffic we have in Bimshire. Maybe it could even help conclude the road building programme that should have been finished in early 2007 yet shows little sign of completion. Sadly this Road Opener only opens a wormhole between the physical and spiritual worlds. That is just no use. What I need is a traversable wormhole within the physical world of this coral landmass that makes the school run less painful.
If your issues are still not covered by any of the healing or washes described earlier, and you have already cried a river into your coffee, then turn to Psychic Astra’s third classified ad. There are a number of oils that can be ordered in one easy call or quick email. Oils in stock include:
- Man Trap,
- Hold My Man,
- Influence and Victory Over Evil,
- Bewitching, and
I have a better idea. Wipe those tears away. Let go of your pain. Don’t try to hold on to that man or woman, fix the nasty boss or conquer the evil men do. Try smothering your enemies with generosity. On the same page as Psychic Matilda and Psychic Astra’s ads are gift ideas for those people who have messed with your karma.
DRY COW’S MANURE. Minimum delivery amount 10 bags @ $10/bag. Closed Sundays.
I almost agree that revenge is a dish best served cold – cold and dry.